Initialising improbability field…
Randomised hitchhiker wisdom
DON’T PANIC
A friendly, slightly sarcastic interface to life, the universe, and everything.
Guide Mode: Always On
Location: Mostly Harmless
Towel: Required
Infinite Improbability Slider
Hitchhiker Mood Meter
The Guide’s current mood based on your visits and slider choices:
Grumpy
Towel
“About the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have.” If you know where yours is, the Guide already respects you.
Earth
Entry: Mostly harmless. Also statistically the origin of most unnecessary panic about page not found errors.
Marvin
Paranoid android. Brain the size of a planet. Assigned to monitor your mouse movement on a landing page. He is not amused.
Vogon Poetry
Widely considered the third worst in the Universe. This interface ranks significantly higher, but only just.
Becoming a competent hitchhiker
Step 1:
Acquire towel.
Preferably one that dries quickly and looks dramatic when draped.
Acquire towel.
Preferably one that dries quickly and looks dramatic when draped.
Step 2:
Learn to read large friendly letters that say “Don’t Panic”.
Learn to read large friendly letters that say “Don’t Panic”.
Step 3:
Stop typing random URLs into the address bar.
The Guide is watching.
Stop typing random URLs into the address bar.
The Guide is watching.
Step 4:
Never trust a Vogon
carrying a megaphone and a poetry book.
Never trust a Vogon
carrying a megaphone and a poetry book.
Step 5:
Accept that the answer is 42.
Spend the rest of your life arguing about the question.
Accept that the answer is 42.
Spend the rest of your life arguing about the question.
Hitchhiker tips & modules
Optional reading. Mildly useful. Marginally less depressing than Vogon poetry.
Tip 001
Always know where your towel is
If you can’t immediately point to your towel, take a moment and reconsider your readiness for interstellar travel, surprise meetings, and sudden rain.
Tip 002
Question everything (politely)
Especially documentation, status codes, and cheerful error messages. The Guide recommends curiosity, not panic.
Tip 003
Do not annoy the cleaning staff
From office buildings to starliners, the people with access to cleaning supplies often know the real layout of the Universe.
Module: Debug
Mostly harmless diagnostics
This console quietly tracks your visits using your browser’s storage. No panic, no tracking beacons, no Vogon analytics.
Module: Mood
Guide sentiment indicator
The closer your improbability slider is to 42, the calmer the Guide feels. On paper, at least.
Module: Ask
Ask the Guide a question
Answers are non-binding, strictly opinionated, and likely to involve the number 42.
Frequently asked (and avoided) questions
Why does everything say “Don’t Panic”?
Because you are, statistically speaking, one typo away from something breaking.
The Guide believes calm users make fewer regrettable decisions.
Is this a real Guide?
It’s an unofficial interface inspired by the original. No actual
planets were demolished in the making of this console.
Is my data being tracked?
Only a very modest visit counter in your own browser’s local storage.
No external servers, no hyperspace beacons, no secret Vogon committee.
“Mostly harmless,” from a privacy perspective.
What is the answer to life, the universe and everything?
The Guide is pleased you asked, but also a little disappointed. You knew this one.
It’s 42. The real work is figuring out what you were actually asking.
Guide status & notes
Evaluating your improbability levels and visit history…
If this console were truly dangerous, it would be guarded by at least one Vogon, three forms in triplicate, and a long corridor with flickering fluorescent lights.
For now, you can safely:
• Move the slider and watch the mood meter react.
• Ask the Guide questions and ignore the answers.
• Admire the starfield and pretend you’re somewhere less bureaucratic.